What to Do When She Says Let's Be Friends

At first you are destroyed, then distraught, and finally depressed. You don't know what you did wrong, or what you could have done right to prevent this occurrence. Your ersatz girlfriend looks into your eyes, smiling, and says, "we will still see each other, we will be good friends."

What did she mean and what was her motivation when she says let's just be friends?

What does she expect out of the friendship? What did he expect out of the relationship?

Does she really need a male friend?

And finally, what do you get out of this deal?

To begin this discussion, let's first look at some definitions of friendship. The following definition, adapted from Wikipedia is a definition a friendship. Wikipedia defines friendship, as the cooperation and support of a relationship between two or more people. This definition therefore has the qualities of mutual affection, knowledge of each other circumstances, and mutual esteem between both partners.

This definition also implies, that both parties in this relationship will help each other in times of crisis and need. They will have a sense of empathy and sympathy for each other as well as a mutual understanding of the others personal history.

In general, do you think that the woman needs this type of relationship with a man?

We all know that women are much more social creatures than men are. Most women have little problem forming deep social relationships with others. This is primarily done in the setting of women on women relationships. They shop together, go out to lunch together, and tell each other their innermost thoughts.

Men, on the other hand, usually do not have such relationships. Most men are concerned mostly with workplace and career matters and usually discuss these topics when together. It is somewhat unusual for them to go shopping together, eat lunch together, and share their innermost thoughts with another male.

The reasons for this are multiple. Needless to say, throughout the history of time, men have been going off to war, off to sea, and often off to die. This has enabled women, throughout history, to be able to form deep lasting relationships with each other.

The point being from this section, therefore, is that, in general, a woman does not need a man for a friend. Most attractive and desirable women already have plenty of friends, and do not need your friendship.

What, therefore, is this woman looking for in the story we told? What is she seeking when she says "let's just be friends?" In short, the woman is looking for the promise or prospect of favors from the man. The man may feel that if he is truly a friend and gives all he can, she will eventually love him and move the relationship forward with return towards intimacy. She, on the other hand, feels no such responsibility to move the relationship forward or have a return towards intimacy. She is not emotionally available. If the man presses, she will simply tell him, "I told you that we were just friends." She has required unconditional love on his part but only gives conditional attention on her part. She is promising nothing.

So what does the man get out of this type of relationship? Normally, the man gets nothing and is chasing after a dream that will never come true. If a man were ever able to do this to a woman, we would say that the man did not have the courage or character to tell the woman that the relationship was not working out. On the women's side however, it is considered normal and appropriate behavior.

So when a woman says to you, "dear John, let's just be friends," you should say have a good life.


Reference: William_Marzullo,_M.D.